Being Content Where God has you
Welcome Backkk! Quickly before jumping into the deep convo, LIFE update! - So I survived my first week of school, and yes I did say survive. I honestly got on the airplane to Idaho sad to leave my family but also confident because I had already completed a year and was no longer considered the new girl. It has been really fun, and it is so nice having so many friends here making the transition easier but when it comes to my actual classes, that’s a whole different story… On the first day I walk into what has always been second year classes, and it’s a whole different class and they informed me they changed the whole system this year. Next, I was so proud of myself for completing a whole semester’s worth assignment over the summer, and in the middle of class the teacher let me know that he changed a few rules and I would need to redo it to match the new standards. And finally, over half of the classes I am taking, I am the only girl (yes, it’s a pretty small school). So it’s been hitting me a little harder than I thought.. Which leads me to my topic! Being content where I am 😩
I have been doing the comparison game for forever, I think it started around 13 years old when I so desperately wanted to look like Anna from Frozen and it just continued into more and more insecurities as I got older. At age 15 is when it really started to hit me, I wasn’t happy with how I looked, and I became obsessed about it. I was always comparing myself to other girls, asking why God didn’t give me their naturally high metabolism, asking God why he didn’t give me blond hair, why I was the only girl that wasn’t getting any guys to asking for my number at summer camp… (we all have our phases, people.)
Now, looking back at that time and also the years that I followed this same pattern of thinking, I realized it wasn’t a matter of just comparing myself but also being discontent with how God made me. It took me years to find the happy medium of improving on my health, but also enjoying the way God made me. This feeling of not sure if you are good enough, or at the place you should be at, doesn’t really go away. Now I am 20 years old and I would rather be anywhere than where I am at some days, but it’s where God has me. My dad told me this one day after calling him crying after a tough class, “Bella, you continue to do the last thing God told you to do, until He gives you the next thing.” Sounds simple enough, but this is not what I want to hear in these times. When those tough moments hit, I want to be done with the character building uncomfortableness and run home. I don’t always feel content here, but it doesn’t mean that I need to change my circumstances, but change the way I look at them.
I recently was talking to one of my favorite people, a lady from the church who I go to for counsel. We got coffee and I just started pouring my heart on the matter this year of how I don’t want to be here, how it would be easier to go to Colorado and help my church there. The problem with this idea is that right now, God has been silent when I ask on that specific thing, and she told me a quote that I have heard many times but never applied into my life, she said “Don’t question in the dark, what the Lord has shown you in the light.” And that very night the pastor was preaching on a passage in Exodus and he said that God has his perfect timing and if we get ahead of God or think we know what to do rather than listen to the last thing He told us to do, then we can make some mistakes that alter the rest of our lives. To sum it all up, the Lord is showing me so much about this time of just doing what He told me to do without questioning, and even if I am not feeling content, I am satisfied knowing I am right where God wants me, on the good and bad days!
You know those questions that people ask in interviews just to intimidate you… “Who is Bella?” Well, recently I have been asked a similar question that stems from the root of all my symptoms. My teacher asked me to write a 2,000 word page on Why am I a Christian…. I sat there dreading that question, wondering what to say. At first the thought was I am so thankful that I grew up being given a Bible at the age of 2 and having my parents be strong christians for me. But when am I going to be a strong christian for myself?
I am a Christian because…
Next week’s blog post!!! Stay tuned
Sincerely,
Bella <3
